Off Topic: tools are funny things

Moderators: Jason Susnjara, Clint Buechlein

Post Reply
Rob Davis
Guru Member
Posts: 351
Joined: Mon, May 23 2005, 5:43PM
Location: Indiana
Contact:

Off Topic: tools are funny things

Post by Rob Davis »

I know several of you are mechanics with the old car oil running in your veins. A mechanic friend of mine sent this to me. Thought it might ring true with some of you. I see this in the wood shop too!

Tools, & Their True Uses:


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeouw s--t...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make pieces of wood too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for, over the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin, "which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also , use to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the good metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays s used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Primarily used to make gaping holes in
walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands and checking blood flow.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DanEpps
Wizard Member
Posts: 5852
Joined: Thu, Jul 28 2005, 10:18AM
Company Name: Dan Epps
Country: UNITED STATES
Location: Rocky Face GA

Re: Off Topic: tools are funny things

Post by DanEpps »

Too funny!!!!
Damon Nabors
eCabinets Beta Tester
Posts: 923
Joined: Wed, Apr 05 2006, 5:50PM
Location: Marion, Ar.
Contact:

Re: Off Topic: tools are funny things

Post by Damon Nabors »

Thats priceless!!! lol
Damon Nabors
Nick M Singer
Guru Member
Posts: 828
Joined: Fri, Jun 17 2005, 12:23AM
Location: South Africa

Re: Off Topic: tools are funny things

Post by Nick M Singer »

THERMWOOD CS40. Large piece of capital equipment used to test psychological profile of employees. Especially good for measuring frustration levels and ability to control temper.
Brian Bauer
Guru Member
Posts: 365
Joined: Tue, Sep 20 2005, 8:22PM
Location: Lower Lake, California
Contact:

Re: Off Topic: tools are funny things

Post by Brian Bauer »

Rob ,
after I stopped crying and could see again,I am typing this Thank you note to you for ending this fine sunday on a hilarious note.I have to copy and send this around way too funny. The hacksaw is probably the most accurate description there.


hhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah

Brian Bauer
Wood is wood , Particle Board is just dust !
Post Reply